The life I have now started in 8th grade when I thought this odd absence of emotion was a survival technique my body decided to pick up. At the time I thought the apocalypse was coming at any moment. And it did: the clouds in my head darkened and brought in heavy rain, some of it leaks through my eyes. Then the tectonic plates made earthquakes that split right through my heart. Then the volcanoes erupted in my brain and burned down all my thoughts. Now I'm standing here watching my world fall apart and not knowing how to save it. Sometimes I try to forget it but this sight is just so hard to miss when I wake up and see it in the mirror.
"Hey, how are you" they ask
The race my brain was once in is now racing even faster as it tries to forget a random memory and make a flipagram out of the worst ones and trying to decide whether I should say good again, or actually answer this time. Then my brain takes a sip of humor juice and answers "nah I'm dead inside." What they confuse for humor is what I call a true story, I'm constantly conflicted and the depression jokes are real life but I slide in a smile so they forget about it like I try to every day. I have trouble with basic math but I can think of one memory and remake them into a thousand different scenarios all without the same outcome. I can go from happy to sad all based off of how my playlist decided to shuffle.
I hate you and everything you stand for, i hate that you have to remind yourself you’re ok, i hate that you lie to yourself and say everything is alright, i hate the way you look in the mirror, into your own eyes and through all the darkness you find even the slightest light of hope and hold onto it. I hate that you’d rather take the pain from other people instead of getting rid of your pains. I hate that you put yourself below everyone you meet and you’re so willing to risk so much for people that dont care about you. I hate that you are so nice to people. I hate that you go back to the people that did you wrong because you see the good in them no matter how much bad they show. I hate that no matter how hard life gets you stand and fight life back even harder, giving your all into a lost cause. I hate that you let the good people walk out so easily but keep the bad people close and allow them to derail you and change you into something you don't want to become. I hate that rather than coming out and admitting that you are having trouble, you hide behind the humor and the weirdness and hope nobody sees through it. I hate you because I am your hate, for that we will always be bound to each other, so while you think you may be spreading me to everyone else you’re directing to yourself.