While FOX’s “X-Men” franchise has always been fairly hit or miss, I have always tried to enjoy them for what they are: a fine time with characters whose cartoon theme song is still playing in my mind.  Sometimes, in the case of “Logan,” I find a film that I thoroughly enjoy—however, that was not the case with the franchise’s most recent release, “Dark Phoenix.”

I settled into the theater with low expectations, simply hoping for a half-decent conclusion to the franchise that started the modern superhero craze. Two hours later, as the end credits began to roll, the older, bearded fellow to my left let out a large sigh.  In an attempt to deflect the awkward eye contact we had made, I asked,

“That bad, huh?”

To which he responded with a laundry list of reasons why the film we had just trudged through, was—well, just that, a trudge.  We talked as the credits rolled, discussing the movie’s failings, what could have been better, and what we begrudgingly enjoyed. 

However, that was the extent of the conversation I wanted to have about this film. After we left the theater, my movie buddy G and I exchanged the token “It looked cool” and “I liked the characters” remarks, then quickly changed our topic of conversation. We found “Dark Phoenix” forgettable—and therein lies the film’s greatest flaw.

 I literally could not explain the plot of this movie from memory. Here’s what G and I were able to piece together with no small amount of help from IMDB: After a rescue mission goes horribly wrong, telepath Jean Grey is imbued with a cosmic entity that gives her a special ability. While the movie never makes clear what the ability is, its power attracts an alien race hellbent on using Grey to take over our planet. 

However, despite the fact that I saw this movie an hour ago, I cannot recount any details beyond that. I can't even remember the villain's name. Throughout the film, there is far too much going on—from aliens to internment camps to an astrological deity—and very little makes sense. James McAvoy’s Professor X, for example, is kind of a terrible person until all of a sudden he isn’t. The plot becomes so cluttered with character deaths, romance arcs, redemption arcs, arcs being reused from other films in this same franchise, references to the comic this movie pretends to be based on, and some very awkwardly placed social commentary that it becomes difficult to figure who exactly we are supposed to be rooting for. 

The acting, or lack thereof, is also cringeworthy the whole way through. Reaction shots make tense moments utterly hilarious, and poor delivery muddies dramatic moments. An emotional death, the catalyst of much of the film’s conflict, is an awkward affair that misses the mark entirely. It is all but impossible to take this film as seriously as it wants to be. At more than one moment, a serious scene was interrupted by audience laughter at how off the performances were. 

Lead actress Sophie Turner’s bland and inconsistent take on beloved character Jean Grey is as paper thin as the pages of the source material she probably did not read.  Even worse is her relationship with co-star Tye Sheridan, whose portrayal of Scott Summers has about as much depth as the can of Pringles I enjoyed significantly more than seeing them try, and fail, to give a compelling performance.

Ultimately, “Dark Phoenix” is not worth your time, and certainly not worth your money. If you’re seriously hurting for your X-Men fix, “Logan” is without a doubt not only a superior film, but the send-off the X-Men series deserved.

DARK PHOENIX
Directed by Bryan Singer. Starring Sophie Turner, James Mcavoy, Jennifer Lawrence, Tye Sheridan, and Michael Fassbender. At Boston Common, Fenway, and others. 1hr 54mins. PG-13. 

Three years ago, Warner Bros. announced the production of “Pokemon: Detective Pikachu,” and I signed a petition to have Danny DeVito voice the titular character. One year ago, I read that Deadpool himself, Ryan Reynolds, would be playing the role and thought, “huh, neat.” Three hours ago—knowing full well the reputation of video game movies—I sat down with low expectations, but very high hopes. Twenty minutes ago, I let out a sigh and walked out of the theatre with neither met.

As someone whose life goal is to be the very best like no one ever was, I could not help but be disappointed by a film that, despite having so much potential, drops the ball faster than my Golisopod using Aqua Jet. Detective Pikachu, a live-action movie adaptation of the video game of the same name, stars Justice Smith as insurance worker Tim Goodman, (Get it? Cause he’s the good guy?). After hearing of his father's untimely demise, Goodman boards a train to Rhyme City, where people and pokemon live and work together as equals, to make peace with his father's memory. It is here he meets Lucy Stevens, the “young reporter” archetype, who informs him that his father was actually murdered. The movie actually begins to pick up when Ryan Reynolds as Detective Goodman’s pokemon partner, Pikachu, enters the story (the real reason anyone is seeing this movie). The three are then faced with stopping a shady businessman looking to harness Mewtwo, the most powerful pokemon, to change the pokemon world forever. 

 First off, it must be acknowledged that this is a movie made for children. However, so were “Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse,” “The Lion King,” and literally every Pixar movie. The label of “kids’ movie” doesn’t excuse a nonsensical plot, poor dialogue, and subpar acting. The story is rushed, with the antagonist hitting the audience with vital information far too late in the game. Apparently—as we learn in the last 20 minutes of the film—Mewtwo isn’t inherently evil (something that anyone who’s seen Pokemon: The First Movie already knew). Rhyme City’s founder is actually mind-controlling it to merge people and Pokemon (something Mewtwo is...apparently capable of?). However, Mewtwo can only do this when pokemon are under the effects of the macguffin known as “Chemical R,” which sometimes forces pokemon into a state of rage, but then later inexplicably also serves as a sedative. These inconsistencies might be excusable in a film with less star power, but with several major studios and Nintendo in the movie’s corner, it can’t be ignored.

That being said, “Detective Pikachu” is not without enjoyable elements. The smart-mouthed Pika-Pool had the audience roaring with laughter several times with some surprisingly dark humor. If you’re a pokemon fan, you’ll be filled with nostalgia when you see the creatures whom you've built a bond with over countless playthroughs on the big screen. However, once you get past the “live action” pokemon gimmick, “Detective Pikachu” is mediocre at best and hardly worth the price of admission. If you’re dead set on seeing a movie this weekend, see “Avengers: Endgame” again instead.

Directed by Rob Letterman. Starring Ryan Reynolds, Justice Smith, Kathryn Newton, Bill Nighy, Ken Watanabe. At Boston Common, Fenway, and others. 1hr 44mins. PG.