How can you be here living with me? It still feels like you are absent of my life. It’s been an eternity since we really talked.
Daddy, you might think I don’t care about you, but you mean a lot to me. When I was little, in Haiti, I defended you when Mom was mad at you. I remember one day she was saying how you were never available and that was really irresponsible. I said, “Mommy, he’s just busy with work and probably tired. Give him some rest.” I knew you were in the U.S., probably working, but it made my heart tear apart.
Since I didn’t grow up with you, we live together now as strangers. We don’t really know each other. I wish it were different. I wish I were more comfortable talking to you and that we shared more memories. I wish you could be there more often. Maybe I should have acted differently when I arrived to the U.S. I should have opened up to you more. Then, maybe, you would know more about me.
But something blocked me from being open with you. Maybe it was the fact that you never told me why you were never there for me, or why you had time for my siblings but not for me. You were there for every important moment of their lives, their first communions, their graduations. The were there for me was my baptism, but I was a baby and I can’t remember anything. Even now, you forget when I ask you to come to something important.
Maybe it’s because I feel excluded. You already made your life with a new woman and my sister and two brothers, so I didn’t feel like I was really part of that family.
But the past doesn’t really matter right now. I just want the future to be better. I’m not sure how this will happen, when you work late at night and I go to school very early. It’s like we don’t have time for each other. I don’t tell you often that I love you, but I do love you. I hope you know that I really missed you during these past 17 years. I want us to get closer. There’s so much I want to tell you. I want to tell you how I’m really passionate about debate, about how I want to be a computer software engineer. There’s so much I want to know, so much I want you to explain to me. Many things have hurt me recently. And I think it was hard for you, too. I wish we had more time to discuss these things.
Just know one thing. I will always be your daughter, no matter what. Even though it doesn’t seem like it, I’ll always be there for you. And, I don’t want us to be distant anymore.
I love you a lot, Daddy,